Puerto Princessa, Palawan

A very short entry here as not a lot to report apart from the fact we blew the budget on a long overdue treat to a nice resort called the Acacia Tree Garden and mostly just relaxed by the pool and drunk beer and watched bad American cable t.v.

Billy no mates has a pool party. 

 We did venture into town one day to top up on supplies and visit a restaurant we liked the look of called Ima's which was nice food but small portions. The town was a scrubby miss-mash of shopping malls and local run down streets. My favourite was the walk in gun shop, a supermarket for real guns. A bit weird when you lived in the U.K. all your life and not seeing people walk around with a pistol on their hip. We had a good snoop around town but to be honest was uninspiring and ugly. We were going to go on a trip to the subterranean river but when we looked into it decided we could not be bothered to sit on another minibus for 4 hours and then hang around queueing with other tourist to go on what essentially a half hour cave trip. I think we are starting to get a bit lazy and are only picking 'sights' if they are convenient and reasonably priced. It's our new strategy on travelling or maybe it's just us getting travel burn out.

Kathy catches up on Emmerdale Farm.

  Back at the hotel we had some extremely poor food from their restaurant. We did find a lady to do our washing though for 25p a kilo so I decided that all my clothes needed washing apart from what I was wearing.
  Totally chilled out and recharged from 4 nights here we now catch a plane from here to our next destination Bohol. 

Alona Beach (Panglao Island)

A free hotel to airport transfer at Puerto Princessa for our next flight to Cebu. At Cebu airport we got our luggage and tried to book a taxi via our GRAB app but after one driver cancelled on us and another led us on a merry dance around the terminal pushing our luggage around in the heat. Kathy's fuse blew and we ended up resorting to the inhouse taxi who could get us to pier one in the ferry port to get us on a boat to Bohol island. On paper this looked a simple connection but in practice was a nightmare. The taxi crawled along in heavy traffic for an hour to do the 8km to the port and then it was another hour to queue for our boat tickets, then another half an hour of jostling to get into the terminal. Once inside we had another half an hour to buy port permits and go through checkpoint, after checkpoint, each one trying to stretch our patience a little further. The security scanning was like a free for all bundle like you have at a junior school playground and then we we eventually checked in they told us we would have to pay extra again for luggage. By this point we were worried that we could miss our boat and our stress levels were peaking to melt down mode. Coupled with an unbelievable amount of other bodies in the terminal and the constant pushing in of others who thought queueing was beyond them and the heat we were fuming. Daz decided if you can't beat them  join them so we blatantly pushed in the queues which was surprisingly easy and we did not receive any bad feedback from other passengers so I guess this is the way it is done here. On the boat we took our seats which were shockingly small and uncomfortable for the 2 hour journey to Tagbilaran in Bohol. By now it was dark so there was no view so we just sat there staring at the white bloke in front of us sexually molesting his significantly younger Filipino girlfriend with no shame. It was a disturbing sight. At the port we disembarked and then engaged in the scrum to get our luggage and ended up being last to exit. We still had to get to Panglao Island and all the buses had finished for the day. The queue outside for the taxi and tricycles looked like it was going to be a long wait and we did not have the patience for that so Kathy wanted to walk along the harbour wall to town. After we walked for only 5 minutes we saw a tricycle taxi coming our way that was going to the port so we flagged it down and agreed a price to our hotel which was 16km away. We effectively jumped the queue. Result! As I have previously mentioned, tricycles are not built for 6ft westerners. With all our luggage and ourselves crammed into this tiny receptacle we made the very uncomfortable journey to the hotel, which the driver had no idea where it was so I had to give directions using our GPS on the phone.

Mosquito buffet zone.

  After 11 hours of travelling we arrived and was pleased to see we had booked a jungle house with 2 floors and a kitchen that was all kitted out. Called Bananaland it was owned by an odd but friendly German who we nicknamed Herman. It was situated in a quiet jungle glade with hammocks a plenty so we knew this was going to be a nice place to chill. The resort also had a shop in the main building so we purchased some beers and then some dinner and cooked up a modest feast in the kitchen then it was hammocks on the veranda and some nice cold Red Horse beers before bedtime.
   Next day we were so knackered from the previous day that we made some breakfast and just chilled out. The weather was also dodgy so the day started with hammocks swinging and coffee glugging. Eventually by the afternoon we decided to explore the beach and town. The beach was the brightest and whitest sand so far on our travels and lined with palm tress, just the way we liked it. The town was no great shakes....scruffy and ugly. We parked ourselves in a beach side bar who were having a 50p a bottle beer promotion (a 7% head banger we later found out) and chilled out watching the waves and all the freaks walking past. There was a shortcut back to the hotel but you had to buy a day pass to access this as it was through a posh beachfront resort. Not wanting to pay for such a trivial matter, Kathy blagged the security guard and he let us in for free. Result!

Alona beach. Dreams do come true.

   For the next day we booked a tour to an island offshore called Baliscarag which was world reknown for its fish and coral reefs along with giant turtle spotting. We boarded a traditional Bangka boat with the 8 other passengers and started the 35 minute crossing. The engine was so loud that by the time we got there all of us were deaf. Some of the passengers even pulled out earplugs! One of the passengers even jumped overboard which was a bit extreme but we found out later why he did this.

We watched as the crew walked the plank to get away from the engine noise.

 Once there we were herded around and then the rip-offs started in earnest and we quickly found out there were scams aplenty. All the other passengers just reeled off their bundles of notes to the con men but Kathy and I decided it was all a bit sneaky so bit back and got some major concessions on equipment hire and fees. This was after all the other passengers had paid and they did not say a thing when we received our discount. Just too polite! Their loss. A boatman took us out to the dive site, which we found out we could have walked it. It was packed with other tourists who were trampling all the coral which makes me wonder where our conservation fee went to. After heated exchanges with our boatman who had no customer service training at all, we persuaded him to take us to a better bit but he wanted more money again! We told him to stuff it and give us our money back. He took us to shore and complained to the captain who told him we were  his problem and to get on with it. So this made him even more irrational., He then took us back out to sea. We did not trust him with our stuff on the boat as he had the right hump so decided to take it in turns to snorkel the reef. Daz went first and said the fish and coral were fantastic and we even saw a massive turtle. When it was Kathy's turn, the boatman decided he had enough so said we had to go back to shore as time was up!. We complained. The boatman used his lack of English to blank us and took us back anyway. He was a prize arseh*le and Kathy wanted to drown him but I reminded her we were on a desert island and still had to get back to our hotel. It's best to be rational in these circumstances even though emotions try to derail us although I did agree with her that the boatman deserved to be punished. After watching the other passengers get charged 4 times the amount for their food bill that it would have been on the mainland we set off again for Virgin Island. It was a lovely white sand bar in the middle of an impossible aqua blue lagoon and was stunning apart from some food stalls had set up on it to spoil the view and the amount of other tourists there. The reflection of the sun in the sea got us seriously burnt as well even though we had suntan lotion on. Then it was an earsplitting ride back to town. Overall though the trip was bittersweet as the sights were amazing but ruined by crooked greedy locals. After that we bummed around town for a bit then went back to the resort (Bananaland) for a beer or two and chill.

Worzel Gummidge liked his time away from the fields.

One downside with staying in our jungle cottage was the mosquitoes. There were holes all over the roof and when outside in the hammocks at breakfast or at dusk we became a mosquito buffet. Lotion used to help but they would get you any gap that you did not smother lotion on. Kathy even got bitten on the sole of her foot. That one was uber itchy! With our collection of bed bug bites from El Nido and our collection of mosquito bites here we need a reprieve so decided our next accommodation needs to be sealed from mosquitoes. This is by far the worst country so far for mosquitoes.....they are fast and elusive....and plentiful!

The best star jumps ever!

   Next day we decided the mosquitoes had won so we jumped in a tricycle taxi to go to Bohol for our next destination Baclayon.

El Nido (Puerto Princesa to El Nido by bus)

From our condo in Manila we ordered a GRAB taxi to the airport which negotiated the heavy traffic and dropped us off at terminal 1 (domestic terminal). It was chaos again outside, and even more so inside as the terminal was old and outdated and was at bursting point with all the passengers waiting to board many a delayed flight. Luckily our Air Asia flight was only 30 minutes late. We arrived in Puerto Princessa late afternoon but had pre booked our hotel in El Nido for that night so tried to get a decent minibus to take us there. It was a six hour journey so we wanted something comfortable. I went and vetted a few options in the car park while Kathy watched the luggage and settled for a plush looking Toyota. We paid our fee after a haggle (after watching other tourists hand over larger amounts as they did not want to haggle) and boarded the bus for immediate departure. After 5 minutes we were told to get out and our luggage was transferred to a more basic minibus with bum numbing seats. We stood our ground and made quite a commotion with the driver and booking agent ending up with the driver getting angry and sarcastic, then disappearing in a huff. Now we were snookered as we had to get to our destination and it was getting late. Reluctantly we took the other minibus which turned out to have no suspension and the seats worn out and painful. The 6 hour journey was torturous as it turned dark, the driver a bona fide maniac who insisted on taking the rough winding roads at maximum velocity throwing us side to side in the van. We arrived after 9pm on the outside of town (as these journeys usually end up) so had to take a tricycle into town to our beds for the night.

Life is a beach.

 The hotel ended up to be less than expected, on the busiest road in town and the room the size of a shoebox. We complained to reception who said they would move us in the morning. The night was awful as the road outside was busy all night with noisy tricycles whizzing up and down it and the room was also sided by 2 large building sites with the beautiful noise of non-stop metal grinding and hammering. In fact the whole of El Nido was one massive building site. Totally charmless, over built in an unsympathetic way, noisy, dirty and unappealing. Add the fact that the place was totally over run by tourists. It's a shame as it was in a stunning location but had been spoilt by the over development. The beach was non existent at high tide as the restaurants had been built so far into the beach that the sea washed over your feet if you were seated outside and the sea was filthy with the waste runoff from town. I could not believe that Lonely Planet voted this a their number one pick in the Philippines to visit. Another thing we could not believe was the great reviews that our hotel had received on Agoda. Next day they showed us another room at the rear of the hotel and it was a damp mouldy prison cell. The whole town was fully booked so we had a tough choice......take the cell or keep our noisy shoebox. Kathy made the decision to keep the shoe box since at least it had a/c and a hot shower where the cell had nought in its favour. We came up with a plan to use earplugs to drown the worse noise out and then drink enough Red Horse beer until we passed out which seemed to work quite well. Also the breakfast was a farce as it was in a tight space which was a lobby and had only one big seat so only one couple could have brekkie at once which was an issue at a fully booked hotel. I think the people who had previously reviewed this hotel must have been on drugs.

Life is a .....errrh......beach.

  Desperate to get out of the room we headed to the beach where we found a nice bar who was having a happy hour so sunk a couple of cheap San Migs hoping to watch the sunset. This was also a waste of time as the islands out in the bay, as beautiful and stark as they were, hid the sun well before sunset so nothing was seen. After cruising town looking for food we stumbled upon a gourmet burger bar which done some really quality food including eggplant burgers and chickpea burgers for a cheap price. Yum, yum.
  Next day the weather was not that great but we hired a motorbike from next door off a couple of what looked like drug addicts and headed to Nacpan beach which was about 20km away. The road was good until we had to turn off and it turned into a mud road , back to cement, then back to mud with big stones jamming out throwing Kathy painfully around on the rear saddle. After paying our 'entry fee' for the development of the area which clearly did not involve the road surface being done we hit the beachfront shack for some lunch which turned out to be chips and a coconut to drink/eat.  The beach was huge with pristine white sand but quite crowded for such a remote location, so we walked a little, found 2 suspect looking coconut trees and slung our hammocks up. Paradise! I had a splash in the sea which was pretty wild with powerful waves and a strong riptide so swimming was impossible. The weather cheered up as well. After we bored of this, another bum numbing ride back to El Nido, some afternoon refreshments and onto Cabanas beach to the south of town to watch the sunset. Again a powdery white sand beach but heavily populated for sunset. We camped outside a beach bar which was pumping out some great disco music from the 70's and 80's which we loved then onto some classic rock tunes before morphing into mindless generic EDM which by this time the sun had set and the bar cleared out of patrons so we left. A dark ride back to town with no back light and we returned the bike to the druggies who had luckily not sold my driving licence kept as deposit to buy some more crystal meth.

Life on a beach.

  The evening was the usual burger munch and a belly full of Red Horse to drown out the noise. Next day I went to hire the motorbike again from the druggies next door but I could not get them to wake up from their hammocks (they sleep in the street) from their drug induced comas. Probably scored an extra rock of meth last night from the money they made from me. I found somewhere else that would hire me a bike who did not have a drug habit but they did have an issue with wearing a shirt and insisted on talking to me with no top on while I studied his peculiar shaped moobs. If it was me, I would buy a shirt as it was very off putting.
  We headed out to Lio beach near the airport which was empty of people and had lovely sand and a smooth sea. After an hour it started to rain so we packed up, sheltered in a restaurant until it stopped and then hit the road again to Duli beach.  The access road to the beach was a right old scramble with steep muddy banks and again another access fee to enter the beach! Saying that the beach was beautiful and unspoilt, with white sand as far as the eye could see with a beautiful jungle and coconut tree backdrop. We had lunch at a hippy beach shack and chilled out on some bean bags on the beach. I went for a swim but the sea was whipping up bad and trying to drag me out so I gave it a miss. There were plenty of surfers though enjoying the challenge. After a couple of hours the very changeable weather turned for the worst and we had a heavy rainstorm. We sheltered in the hippy bar until it stopped then rode back on the very muddy track up the steep hill. It was a bit touch and go trying to get to the top but we made it ....just, without wiping out. There were still tourists showing up, having to dismount and push their bikes down the hill. Good luck to them.

Beach life.

  On the way back to town, the roads were slippery and wet and on one corner we saw a bad motorbike accident where the rider had skidded off the road and into the adjacent paddy field. As we passed we saw locals trying to recover him from the field but he looked in a bad way with his body contorted in unnatural positions which made us grimace. We did wonder what would happen out here in the wilderness in the case of an accident as there are no ambulances or any decent medical facilities. We did pull over in the next village to rest and saw him later in the back of a tricycle, situated prone in the sidecar being whisked off to somewhere but again it did not look good for him. From that moment we drove carefully on the slick road and were glad to be wearing helmets which the guy who crashed did not have. Even so there were tourists flying pass us on the road oblivious to what we had just witnessed. I later returned the bike back to mister wonky moobs and we went to book a boat tour. We were in 2 minds whether to take a tour of the surrounding islands as the weather was so changeable, going from blistering sun to rain very quickly. Also we were concerned at the amount of tourists visiting these sights all at the same time and as we found out before it takes the magic away from the location. There were hundreds leaving every morning on loads of boats and looked over subscribed. Anyway we did not have to make that decision as it was made for us by the pleasure of either a dodgy meal or breakfast which rendered us below par next day so we cancelled.  That night was not a good night's sleep.

Sunset on the beach.

 So glad to leave next day we boarded a minibus which was a lot better than previously and headed back to Puerto Princessa where we blew our budget and had booked into a nice resort with a pool as a treat to rejuvenate us from the unpleasantness that was El Nido.
Update; We also found out on our departure we had been bitten all over from bed bugs and now sported a collection of very itchy and sore welts. Thanks El Nido, wish I could say it was a pleasure but it was not.

Manila, Philippines

Now was our second flight in 2 days from Kuala Lumpur to Manila. Of course the flight was late again, Air Asia seem to be consistent with their planes being delayed. That’s what you get when you fly budget. In the terminal there were no information boards so hundreds of passengers from our flight as well as other flights were all walking around aimlessly trying to find out when their flight was going to take off as all the flights seemed to be delayed. It was the usual stressful chaos as we tried to avoid missing our flight but we made it, it was about an hour late and arrived in Manila by late afternoon. We ordered a GRAB taxi from outside the terminal and we arrived at our condo half an hour later near the airport. The traffic in Manila is notorious and it lived up to its billing so we paid the driver extra to take the skyway which is an elevated section that you pay for via tolls to drive above all the traffic below. It worked a treat. Also it avoided the infamous white/yellow Taxi scams that are eponymous with the terminals of Manila airport.

View from our condo.

The condo looked spectacular from the outside but once inside it was tiny. It had a bedroom and a separate kitchen /diner then a bathroom but this place was so small you couldn’t swing a mouse in it. I guess this is the norm for Filippino’s as space is a premium in this over crowded city. Also the pool could not be used by foreigners on Friday to Sunday which happened to be the days we were staying! Greeeaaat!. I had heard stories about Manila being rough with high drug usage and gangs patrolling the streets but our condo owner assured us it was safe to walk the streets. I was sceptical of this as this condo complex had security everywhere and segregated away from normal street life by very high barb wire topped walls. Even cars coming in were vetted and registrations taken like some sort of military coup. Brave or stupid as we were, we decided to hit the streets and go to a supermarket to top up on supplies as it was possible to cook at the condo. We tried to hail a tricycle (a motorbike with a sidecar strapped to it) with no avail until the condo owner saw us and hailed one in seconds. The tricycle was tiny, built for 5ft Filippino’s and I sat in the tiny seat with my head straining in the plastic covered roof like the starting sequence in the Flintstones where their pet dinosaur pops his head through the roof of the car to see better. My legs also made contact with my chin on every bump in the road. Not a great experience. After paying the tricycle owner 50p we went shopping. Food was more expensive than the rest of Asia but the beer was rock bottom and we bought a pile of a beer called Colt 45 which was 7% and only 52p for a 500ml bottle. Happy days!

Kathy looks for somewhere to swing a mouse.

The ride back to the condo in the dark was interesting with all our shopping. A bit of a squeeze. The streets were busy and the traffic congested. It all felt a bit edgy with many people staring at us. I guess this was because we were in a non-touristy side of town or they were sizing us up for a quick armed mugging. We both felt anxious as the people here were so poor, many people just living in tiny corrugated sheet huts with kids playing in derelict building site rubble. Not a nice for place for a visiting tourist.

As Manila was low on sights, being an European church, (wow) a park, (double wow) and their so called nightlife which was legendary but also was the prime time to get mugged down town according to Lonely Planet. We decided it was safer with all our security at the condo (which was there for a reason ) to hunker down to do a bit of research. We had decent internet and as a treat we had multiple English speaking cable channels so over indulged in that as well. Some laundry was also done and hung out on the balcony.

Later that day there was a knock on the door and a security guard, sour faced and stern was standing there, filling the doorway with her oversized frame and handed us a warning from their residents association. We found out that we were in violation of the rules by hanging our clothes on the balcony and risked a fine if we did it again or did not remove the clothes immediately. We are so badass. She handed us a ‘warning’ letter detailing the consequences if we did it again. We kept hold of it as a mark of Manila street cred and thus reinforcing the reputation of Brits being trouble makers abroad.

Warning for team trouble.

    Apart from that, Manila was uneventful, but we were only there for 2 nights as a stopover until we got our next flight to Puerto Princessa to go onto El Nido in Palawan.

Pai

No buses run to Pai as it is such a small village up in the mountains near the Myanamr border so we booked a minibus for the belly churning 3.5 hours ride up there. The road is a torturous twisting snake with a lunatic bus driver trying out the laws of physics by placing inertia forces on us that try to throw you out of your seat, so much so it leaves your knees sore from gripping the seat in front.
  Once at Pai it was a short hike to our cabin on the side of the river overlooking a garden. Nice and tranquil which is good as Pai has a reputation as a bit of a party town. After a quick mosquito killing session which we have grown very fond of over the months and has become a sport where Kathy and I compete to achieve the most 'kills' in one session.(extra points if it has blood in it on splattering).
   We head into town and tour the hedonistic walking street where stall holders compete to sell their wares to inebriated tourists who tend to be a lot younger and naive crowd here. Again being peak season it was busy but not uncomfortable as there was plenty of space to eat and drink from upmarket latte cafes to local wok dives. Of course we frequented the latter. After dinner which came to a mighty £1.60 for the pair of us, we hired a bike for a bargain £3.60 a day. I think our budget is going to like this place. Loading the bike up with beers and transferring them to our fridge we retired to our veranda to peer out into the pitch blackness and guess at what the star constellations were above us.

Chilling out  on the veranda of the cabin.

 Next day was a slow start as we were feeling a bit travel weary from the faster pace we had taken up since leaving Bangkok and savouring the peace of our country environment. But eventually in the afternoon we jumped on the bike to play bamboo golf. Yeah, that's right, golf played with bamboo clubs and tennis balls on rice paddies which had been grassed over. It was a right laugh. We had a lesson from the owner who was Scottish and quite a character with his Thai wife and 3 kids. He had been living there for 17 years and built his own house and then the golf course as a way of making an income. He was full of stories, some were a bit far fetched but we found him very entertaining and he even gave us free drinks and fruit. And the golf was only £1.70 a round. But the funny thing was his wife was the 'boss' as of course with him being a foreigner and not allowed to own property or land in Thailand so he had to buy it in her name. I wonder what happens when she bores of him and kicks him out?

Fred Flintstone lines up a shot at bamboo golf.

  We were pretty exhausted after the combination of playing golf and sifting through Jock's bullshit so headed back to base as the clouds looked menacing. That night was again Kathy insisting we walk around the walking street to buy strawberries and more beer.
  Next day was an early(ish) start so we headed to a local waterfall beauty spot up in the mountains. The waterfall itself was uninspiring but we spotted some butterflies at the top of them. We climbed up to the top and ended up in a cloud of butterflies all around us. There must of been hundreds of them, all sorts of colours and sizes mating on the rocks. We sat there and were swarmed by the butterflies where they started to land on us. This was really cool until I realised that all the butterflies had ejaculated on my foot. They were the randiest butterflies I have ever seen. All of them were at it having group orgies on the rocks. A weird experience indeed.

Anyone got a tissue?

  Leaving the butterflies to their sex games we headed off on the bike again to the Chinese village, which is a tacky mock up of a village in China, albeit a bit too perfect for the tourist experience but still interesting.  It was made with  government assistance as previously this village's main income was opium production, so when the troops came and burnt down the crops and imprisoned the men they had no source of income so built this fake village to fleece the tourist crowds. Still on the ride up there we had plenty of offers of 'happy cigarettes' being sold on the side of the road. Inside the village we had the chance to try Chinese sweets and different types of green tea, some nice, some not so. The highlight though was when the owner pulled out this clay model of a baby who started 'peeing' out of his tiddler all over the floor. Kathy and I were in hysterics and the owner was laughing with us even though she must of seen it hundreds of times. We bought one just for the novelty value but not sure if it will make it back to England in one piece though.

Chinese village bridge gets attacked by triffid invasion.

   After the village we drove back into Pai and in a moment of weakness decided we need some good old fashioned western food after noodle and rice overload lately. We found a nice cafe who served up scrambled eggs on toast with real butter for me and Kathy opted for beans on toast with ginger tea while I had fresh ground coffee. Never had such a simple meal tasted so good.
  After our unauthentic Thai lunch we went cruising on the back roads where there was no traffic, the sun shone, our t-shirt were flapping in the breeze and the jungle a glowing green. Times like this make travelling such a carefree existence to be savoured. After a few kilometres we stumbled upon an elephant retirement camp so pulled over to investigate. There we encountered a boozed up Thai Ronnie Corbett who very kindly introduced us to the elephant called Soy who was 45 years old and retired after being used in the jungle to haul logs before the logging ban was introduced in Thailand.
   We spent the hour petting and feeding Soy and chatting to Ronnie who had a convoluted tale about being married to a Belgium woman who lived in Belgium with his 2 kids. Maybe it was the Chiang talking.

Ronnie Corbett and me. It's good night from him......

 He was very charming though and it was very educational with all the info he gave us on the life of elephants. He never asked for any money at any stage and even offered us to wash the elephants in the river for less than £15 each which is a good deal considering but we had limited money left as we were flying out in less than 2 days so declined. (plus we had done it before on our last visit to Thailand). We liked this place as the elephants were unchained, left in a paddock which they could easily break out of if they desired but chose to stay to be fed and petted by doe eyed tourists like ourselves. Also they did not offer rides which hurts the elephants backs which ethically was a good thing for the elephants happiness. In fact we had never seen an elephant so happy.

Kathy the elephant whisperer tells Ellie she wants a banana.

   After we left Ronnie to pickle himself on more Chiang we headed to Pai canyon, a strange earth formation out in the jungle. It was OK.and unspectacular but afforded good views of the surrounding mountains and jungle. By this time the sun was going down so we headed back to base to return the bike,(on the ride back, the bike in front of us ran over a huge snake that was crossing the road, an oriental rat snake we later found out, and as we approached the snake it reared up in retaliation to bite the closest thing that injured it, which was us, so we had to do some nifty manoeuvres to avoid this huge snake thrashing around in the road, which was closer than we liked as those snakes can really move) eat noodles, walk the walking street again to score .....yes, you guessed it strawberries and beer. Kathy also bought some natty baggy trousers ethnic style but on getting back to the cabin found them way to big so had to walk all the way back into town to try and get her money back. The store owner did not want to give her the money back but Kathy does not do 'no' very well and battled on until she wore them down and they parted with her shekels.

You been framed.

  We really enjoyed Pai, it was one of our favourite places in Thailand and we could have easily stayed another 2 or 3 days but as I mentioned we had to get back to Chiang Mai to catch our next flight to Manila in the Philippines. Next day we got the stomach churning minibus back to Chiang Mai where we stayed in an airport transit hotel. The room was really nice but the hotel was on the side of a motorway so the traffic noise was really loud. We ended up going to the cinema next door at the airport plaza and watched the latest Star Wars instalment which was only £2.20 each for V.I.P. chairs. After a lay in next day we packed and got a taxi to the airport where our plane was delayed and we arrived at Kuala Lumper late where we had an overnight transit flight before flying to Manila next morning. Unfortunately I had booked the wrong hotel at the airport which really gave Kathy the hump when we had to catch a bus and then get an expensive taxi to the other airport to get our room. The room was the size of a shoe box, also next to a motorway, with transit passengers coming and leaving noisily all times of the night so sleep was not good. The breakfast was good though and the hotel ran a minibus shuttle to the terminal we needed for free so it all worked out good in the end but by the time we boarded the plane which was also delayed (damn you Air Asia) we were truly exhausted from all the constant travelling in the last 3 days and lack of a decent nights sleep. Now we only had 2 nights in Manila until we had our next flight to Palawan where our next destination El Nido was awaiting us.

Chiang Rai

We left Bangkok for another flight with trusty Air Asia and landed in Chiang Rai in just over an hour. The airport is small and formalities brisk.  It is more of a local airport so there is no public transport into town.  We had to queue up to get a taxi and then had our Taxi hijacked by an obese sweaty German who was travelling with a very young teenage Asian boy.  We dropped them off at the YMCA as we had no choice about sharing the Taxi when the German planted himself in the front seat. Draw your own conclusions from that relationship.
 In town we were pleased with our hotel as we had a top floor room which overlooked a pretty mountain view facing the sunset. We quickly unpacked and headed into town as we had only 2 full days here. We hired a bike for a bargain £4.50 a day which for the first time ever was actually roadworthy and in good condition. Dinner was a farce at a restaurant later where they lost or forgot our order and left us sitting there for 45 minutes until we reminded them, prompting them to serve up some rather rubbish rushed food that was barely edible but we ate it as by this time we were famished. True to form when it came to paying the bill they mucked that up as well but in our favour by 50% so we did not correct them and paid it, and considered it compensation for their poor service.

Something to break the ice at your next dinner party?

   Next day it was off on the bike to the black temple.(Got stopped by the police on the way there but luckily I had my licence on me which I usually didn't so we were lucky that day as they don't like it if you have no docs). Not another temple I hear you cry! Yes, but this one is an anti-temple, a temple dedicated to hell. A temple built by a local artist who has turned it into a satanic mini village, with all the temples painted matt black and inside all the rooms kitted out like one of Black Sabbath's album covers . There was crocodile skin tablecloths, complete with heads still attached. bearskins rugs with heads, oxen horned furniture and of course a healthy splattering of animal skulls for good measure. It was quite an unusual spectacle but right up our street as we love a bit of the macabre. Then on the bike again to some hot springs. Totally non commercial, used by the locals for health benefits, we got some strange looks showing up but booked a private room and had our own steaming hot plunge pool. After you have cooked for 10 minutes you jump out then have a cold shower which gets the heart racing then jump back into the plunge pool. It was so relaxing and only £2 for the session for the private room hire. We loved it as there were no other tourists there.

Just plain weird.

  Then back on the bike for a flat out ride on the motorway to the white temple. Oh no, not another temple I hear you cry! Yes, but this one is a reincarnation of what heaven would look like if it was a building. The structure is like something out of the Frozen cartoon. All sparkly and white with  thousands of  little mirrored tiles reflecting the sunlight which gave it a celestial glow. A truly amazing sight. This one is also a creation of a local artist who has built this mini village which in his mind must have been his vision of heaven. It again was an awesome sight and well worth the visit.
   That night we hit the night food market and got some street food rustled up which was OK for under £1 each.

Dulux profits were again through the roof in Thailand.

  Next day and we hit the road again on our trusty steed, into the remote mountains of the Karen tribe where they have an elephant sanctuary. We were not sure if we would have access to the elephants as it is not advertised anywhere as a tourist attraction. The ride up there was amazing as they were still building the road to get to the village because some of it was still mud roads. The jungle was dense and the river wild and deep chocolate in colour  as we ploughed into the higher reaches. We got lost a couple of times by taking some wrong turnings as there were no signs but were rewarded by total access to the elephants who seemed very happy and their owners genuinely seemed to care for them not like the elephants we had seen in India. We bought some food for them so we could feed them. They were ever so gentle with us except for one naughty one who caught Kathy off guard and stole the whole stash of food in one swoop of its trunk from behind her back.. They were offering elephant rides but decided not to take one because of the ethics of keeping elephants as tourists attractions. We just kept buying food and feeding them which was great fun. One of them even done a little dance for more food. Another made a toot toot sound. I got the feeling they were once performing elephants that had been rescued as they were very well behaved and did exactly what they were told by the owners making noises rather than sticking sharp picks into their heads like they have in other countries.

There a trunk call on line 1 for Miss Kathy please.

  After that we had lunch at some rough looking shack and then onto some more hot springs. This one had a huge open air swimming pool heated by the hot thermal springs which was heated to about 37c so very comfortable. We had the whole pool to ourselves most of the time we were in there and all for a bargain 70p each. After we had some real coffee as it is prime coffee growing altitude here and the coffee is actually really good, of international standard, so is exported to USA and Europe.
 We were going to go higher into the mountains to the national park to do a bit of trekking and waterfall visiting but the day had somehow just slipped away as it does when life is easy, so come 4.30 we had to head back as we did not want to drive in the dark since it was a guarantee of us getting lost in the jungle.

No running, shouting,petting or bombing in the pool but pole dancing is permitted.

 We dropped the bike back later that night and went for dinner in the food market again but this time it was poor . While we were eating some traditional dancers came on the stage to entertain us.
  We got some bus tickets for our next destination which is Chiang Mai and were lucky as they were just about sold out at the bus station being peak season here.. Some beers and strawberries from the local market and it was all over for Chiang Rai. What a great destination this turned out to be.

At least he was pleased to see us!

Bangkok

From Yangon on Boxing day we got  a GRAB taxi from our hotel to the airport which is about 12km for less than £3. Unfortunately the driver dropped us off at the wrong terminal so we took a luggage trolley out of the terminal and off we go down the road pushing this trolley and wrestling with all the traffic until we get to terminal 2.  We were flying with Nok Air for a change as they had better time slots than Air Asia who wanted to go early morning or late evening. We arrived in Bangkok after the 1 hour 20 minute flight and caught the airport bus to the skytrain for 30 baht each and then paid another 44 baht each to ride to our condo at On Nut. So for a bargain price of £1.70 each we got from the airport to the condo in just over an hour . The airport bus was a bit of an ordeal though as they packed us in like sardines with our luggage, standing room only. I thought I could just about survive the journey without suffocating until they stopped at the domestic terminal and rammed another few passengers on for good measure! Travelling is not always glamorous when you are on a budget but definitely character building.

While you are at work Mr Thai person I will use your pool. Cheers!

   For the first time we had to use Air BnB to book accommodation as the prices for hotels were all too expensive over the Christmas holidays. Not really knowing how it all worked we just rocked up at the condo but could not get into the building. They had security there but they were not interested in letting us in. I sent some SMS messages to the owner but she did not reply and her phone just kept ringing when I called her. Then it started to rain! Having already paid for the condo we were committed to it but after travelling all day we just wanted to chill out. Sitting outside with security who did not speak any English trying to stay dry outside the lobby we were starting to get a bit miffed and wondered what plan B was?

Tell me more my buddy Buddha.

Luckily 10 minutes later the owner showed up and let us in. It turned out that she had emailed us rather than messaged us (not sure why she would not answer her phone or reply to my text?).She spoke good English and the condo was really nice,  with a kitchen for cooking, a swimming pool, a self service laundry (hooray we get get some clean clothes for the new year) and a balcony. All for the handsome sum of £18 a night. Also it was right next to the skytrain to get into town and a Lotus Tesco superstore to stock up on some deserved treats like pasta, butter, milk and yoghurt. All these things you take for granted in your home country but in Asia all these products are like gold dust and badly missed when on the road.
 After a morning of going to the dentist for Kathy to get some attention on a broken tooth we spent the afternoon catching up on stuff as we finally had a fast(ish) internet connection after a month of waiting 20 minutes for a 5mb photo to upload in Burma and did not have to share it with another 20 other guests. The laundry was also despatched to the machines to chew over.Good luck with that one Bangkok waste water systems.

Every married man should have this above his headboard.

  Next day we set off for a day of exploring. Even though we had been to Bangkok 12 years previously on our last world tour, we did not have many memories of it and could not recall what we had actually done as in those days we were still using camera film so photos were rare as had to be developed. There was very basic internet via internet cafes and they were dial up connections and it could take 30 minutes to get on our bank website and then it would crash. Also mobile phones were not the smart phones we have now so it was mainly navigation/information done via a guide book. Oh, how the world has moved on in 12 years. all the things that you take for granted now. I can't imagine booking a hotel with no wi-fi or not being able to book cabs on your phone, Using Maps.me to navigate the streets in a new town or go on an epic motorbike journey into the badlands of a foreign country where as before you had to carry around a massive volume of Lonely Planet. Well now you don't have to carry a Lonely Planet as its on your trusty phone or tablet. The only downside is all the electrical stuff you have to carry around. Laptop, tablet, phone, hard-drive,mp3,speaker, solar charger, surge protector, adaptor plugs,assortment of leads, power cables and digital camera. Then you have to think about all your software applications. Do they work in a foreign country? Do you have the right security? Do you have enough passwords and are they in a safe place. Do you have back-ups? The list goes on and on. The advantages though are being able to book hotels in advance rather than tramping around town looking for a decent bed for the night, booking last minute flights with Skyscanner, using websites like Trip Advisor for info and getting weather reports so you can plan ahead your adventures. Also you can spend half your day writing a blog on your computer rather than going out and enjoying the sights. It's a double edged sword I suppose.

Some of my family are going to kill me for this pose.

   As I was saying, we went off to explore the next day. Kathy excelled herself and set out a pretty relaxed itinerary for the day. First stop was the Golden Buddha, thronged with tourists as its peak season here. It seemed weird to have to pay to see a golden Buddha having seen hundreds already for free. Even though the pagoda was well presented and the fee was only 80 baht each (about £2). Next a wander around China town and lunch by the river. After lunch we walked across the Memorial Bridge to one of our most favourite pagodas ever, Wat Prayoon.  Here is a Disney world type enclosure which was free to enter, with an island surrounded by caves and misty plants, a pagoda on the island which looked like something out of a fairytale and a lake surrounding it full of tortoises and terrapins all very friendly and begging for you to feed them. As it goes there is a stall outside selling papaya and the amphibians go mad for it, clambering over each other to be hand fed. Their appetites are insatiable.

Slaphead makes it big it Disneyland. 

  After that we walked along a riverside pathway which led to Wat Arun which was average but did have a massive bell which you could strike 3 times for luck. Then onto the river jetty to get the free ferry across the river and onto the famous golden reclining Buddha at Wat Pho.

So you are just taking a nice stroll by the river and suddenly you need a haircut. Pop up barber to the rescue!

 Again it was a bit weird to pay to see a huge reclining Buddha as we have seen more Buddha's than you could shake a stick at. This place though was heaving with tourists and the queues were big and annoying as people pushed and shoved each other to get the best selfie positions in front of the Buddha. We bored of this hustle quickly and decided to walk to the infamous Khao San road. We had visited it last time we were in Bangkok and found it tacky, overblown, cheesey, ostentatious but totally enthralling. Again we found it all of these but now it was on steroids and fully pumped up on the tourists gravy train. After a recky of the offensive amount of tourist tat on display we settled in for a pavement side bar for an overpriced beer to watch the freak show that was unfolding along the road. The freaks were out tonight in force and we lapped it up. We even devised our own game. Who could spot the most tourist with elephant pants on. (everybody has them- me and Kathy have a pair each....of course!). There were so many we lost count after the beer muddled our senses. It's a rite of passage......get to Asia and buy a pair of cheap badly fitting elephant trousers before you do anything else. The beer made us hungry so we had a couple of Pad Thais off a street stall for 80p each which were yummy.

Khao San Road. " Hey meester you want to but some of this crap? Cheep price for you"

  After tiring of the to and fro of Khao San we had to get back to our condo which was on the other side of town so for a change thought we would take the river boat. Heading towards where we suspected the river was situated we ambled along some back streets that got smaller and quieter as we went and more dimly lit until we ended up in a  dead end courtyard when suddenly this dog came out of the shadows a decided to bite my leg. With the dog yapping away I checked the damage and saw he had ripped my trousers but had no time to check for blood as the dog looked like he fancied another bite. Panicked by this sudden attack we retreated backwards briskly with the dog pursuing us although I did notice it was fat and with a collar so was not a street dog thus most likely did not have rabies. Back to the main road to safety and some good light it looked like I had a lucky escape as the dog was too gay to puncture my rhino thick skin. Just ripped trousers and a raised heartbeat.

Rush hour Bangkok. Just another boring commute to work but with air-con.

  We walked for a fair way until we found a pier and were waiting for a boat to come, even though we didn't know if they had finished for the night when a local came up to us and told us the boats did not stop there anymore. Grrrreat! Another walk until we found another pier and were relieved to find the boats still running. 20 minutes later we were cruising on the river for a grand fee of 30p each and were dropped off at the skytrain to get back to the condo.
  After all the excitement of the previous day we stayed in the flat to chill out and do menial travel preparations for the next leg of the journey in northern Thailand.
  Next day was another day of sight seeing with the first stop at Jim Thompson's house. A well touristed destination where we were whisked around on the compulsory guided tour which was average but the house was amazing to check out inside and Kathy and I both agreed that we have no qualms about living there if we owned the house.

Jim Thompson house, on stilts so tourist can circulate below. How thoughtful!

 Onto lunch at the biggest food hall in Bangkok situated on the 6th floor of the MBK mall. It was huge and contained anything you could dream of eating. If you could not find anything then you were not hungry to start with. After some really nice food which came to just over £2 for the pair of us we rolled onto the Phallus Temple.

It looks like worms soaked in diahorea but actually tasted really nice.

 As the same suggests it's a fertility shrine jam packed with penis's. From small wooden ones to huge marble sculptures they were all present, arranged neatly in a beautiful backdrop of a garden. We had a chuckle at it like a couple of teenagers, wide eyed at the amount of penis's on display but on a more serious note would you believe the locals who are having child bearing issues, come here to make an offering that would please the gods so they could bear children. Powerful stuff that religion.
   After a bit a retail therapy where we bought nothing because we can't carry anything else in our rucksacks, we went back and cooked oven ready pizza as a treat. Now we had not eaten rice or noodles for 3 days and were feeling very pleased with ourselves.
  New years Eve was next and we ended up with a lazy start as I went swimming in the pool at the apartment. Later we went to the Century 21 plaza which has 6 levels and every level has a different very kitsch theme of a place in the world. Level 2 was London with shops styled as tube trains, red phone boxes, Jack the Ripper type back streets and street names like Burlington Arcade. Other levels included Paris, Tokyo, and San Francisco. It was cheese overload and overcrowded as all the Thais  were on holiday so we bailed the joint and headed to Lumphini Park for a spot of R+R. Here we relaxed in the sun, lapping up 32c temperatures, watching giant monitor lizards stalk the birds, terrapins bobbing about in the lake, huge fish thrashing around competing for the bread being thrown in by the locals, swan pedalos being lazily propelled around the lake and joggers all with their weird and wonderful styles giving John Cleese a run for his money and his ministry of silly walks in Monty Python.

We're just strolling through the park than out jumps WTF!

As night fell we got a couple of beers and done a bit of pavement watching then headed for the eponymous Patpong Market, the infamous sleaze pit of Bangkok.

Bangkok traffic. Legendary.

 Being here before 12 years ago we knew what to expect but had enjoyed the spectacle never the less. This time we were encouraged into one of the go-go bars where we were quickly seated and served beers at a prearranged price. The show was ongoing, with many couples seated around us satisfying their curiosities. We had the full show. Pussy smoking cigarette, a bunch of flowers being pulled out  of pussy, ping pong balls being fired out of pussy into the audience who were given bats to ping them back to the girls, pussy firing blow pipe and bursting balloons on the ceiling and mostly disturbing of all, razor blades being pulled out of pussy. After this we decided the curiosity had worn off and it all had become a bit macabre so asked for the bill for the 2 beers we had drunk. Of course you know you are going to be ripped off in these types of places but when a bill of 5000 baht( about £125) was presented to Kathy for our half hours entertainment and 2 beers we knew things were going to get nasty. After a lot of disagreeing with the mobsters who descended on us we parted or were rather told to 'f@ck off!' with a reduced bill of 200 baht which somehow turned in 400 baht when our change was given short, but we took this as the best we were going to get and were escorted out of the building by a blaspheming owner. We love an adventure and this was one we would not rather repeat as it was the seedy underbelly of Bangkok we would rather forget but at the same time the experience was priceless.

The small phallus at the base looked up in envy.

 After so much excitement the previous day it was time to pack up again after 6 nights in Bangkok and hit the airport for our next flight to Chiang Rai.

Chiang Mai (Chiang Mai to Pai by bus)

A pleasant 3.5 hour bus journey from Chiang Rai, we arrived at Chiang Mai bus terminal 3. Another GRAB taxi was booked who took us to our hotel which was situated right next to the popular night market. The hotel was a new build that turned out really comfy with plenty of English channels on the TV for a change. Except when we took a shower we found out that the shower leaked from underneath and flooded the whole bathroom in dirty water. A complaint to the reception got numerous unintroduced people coming into our room with a bit of head scratching going on and Thai jibber jabber being exchanged but nothing was progressing so we insisted on a room change. This turned into all sorts of commotion as they had no more double rooms left as fully booked so we said we would take a twin room so Kathy could have a reprieve from my spicy noodle farts but they insisted on moving the mattress and make up a double bed for us. This scenario took all morning as things got heated between the maid and some boy manager on whether we should get an upgrade. We were shown a better room but then the offer was quickly withdrawn for some reason that was explained in Thai so we had no idea why. After all the hassle of moving our stuff to the new room in the afternoon we treated ourselves to a massage for an hour for a bargain £3.70 each.  Dinner was at a local Indian and then a stroll around the night market which was huge.

Temple dragon loved a good fisting.

   We came here 12 years ago on our last world tour and found Chiang Mai a nice destination where we had good memories of meeting up with my brother Tristan and his misses Toni in a hippy style eatery just off the main square sitting on floor cushions and munching hippy food. But now it has been over developed with Starbucks and MacDonald's replacing all the quaint Thai places, a road full of go go bars (real sleazy) and way too many tourists. The night market was so big now it would take you 3 nights to visit every stall and all the stuff was mostly same same but not different. The food was good though. It has just become another non authentic western hotchpotch of the Lonely Planet tick list of 'must see' destinations.

Kathy volunteered as guinea pig for tasting the botulism soup from the shack.

  Next day we decided to break out of the city and collared a scooter from across the road and decided to hit the mountain that towered over Chiang Mai to the north-west called Doi Sup which had (surprise surprise) a temple on top. Just as we started to climb the mountain it started pouring with rain, so we descended and hit the 7-11 for shelter and coffee. Eventually we made it to the top which was a hard climb for the little bike through the dense mist that ascended on us as we climbed above the cloud line. At the top we found a dodgy looking shack which was serving food and had lunch hoping that toilets were not too far away by the looks of the lack of hygiene. Kathy peeled off and went shopping and I hit the temple for curiosity and found half of Chiang Mai up there as it was thronged. The mist had cleared by now and it had nice views but a very average temple which wanted 30 baht to go in (tourists only mind) so sunglasses down , tan topped up, I just strode in and pretended to be another skinny Thai and got away with it. LOL! That's an extra 30 baht for Kathy's shopping budget.
We tried to see some other stuff like water falls and jungle trekking but they insisted on charging loads of entry fees to see the 'national park' on each location (foreigners only!) so gave it a miss.
 On the way down which was really steep all the way with a procession of hairpin bends we turned off the engine of the bike off as it went faster in this mode and got enough speed up to overtake 4 cars and 4 motorbikes on the way down.

Ghost rider emerges from the fog up on Doi Sup mountain

 We then tried to find the hotel that we stayed at 12 years ago but with so little landmarks remaining from that period we were unsuccessful so gave up and headed to our favourite past time ......monk chat. What happens here is you go into a monastery and find a monk who speaks English or your chosen language and have a good old chin wag about what ever comes up. We had a very plausible 24 year old monk who spoke good English and chatted for about 90 minutes on life and Buddhism. It was a great insight to the workings of Thai life and the way the monk system worked. We really enjoyed quizzing him about life's dilemmas and how Buddhism would benefit mankind.  It was a very convincing sell by the young monk but to a couple of hardened cynics like Kath and I we weren't going to be sucked in to shaving our hair off (well I had a head start on that!) and wearing orange robes, using our day to beg for rice and meditate.

Buddha distorted the faces of the non believers.

 After that it was another night market visit for grub and retail therapy where we again bought nothing(except beers) but had fun pretending to buy anything we liked the look of.
  Overall disappointed with Chiang Mai, often touted as the jewel of the north but it's overblown by mass tourism and just feels so forced and fake. Still, if this is your first time in Thailand it makes an easy introduction. It is just easy street for the masses. Each to their own though. Next we are moving back into the mountains onto the infamous traveller nirvana called Pai.