Hat Yai (Last Stop/Thailand)

We had a 2.5 hr ride in the minibus from Trang which involved sitting at the back just in front of 3 monks who bagged the rear seats, These guys were quite young and strapping types for monks and they spent the journey doing one of the following: a/ sleeping b/ coughing c/ sneezing/sniffling and finally  d/ listening to music so loud you could hear it outside of their earphones! (monk rock).  It was weird but they didn't bother us and put up with Daz's mammoth rucksack wedged between them the whole time.
The roads were badly flooded in some places - so much so that it looked like a dirty brown river flowing past our minibus. However, the driver seemed undeterred and kept a steady pace until we got to Hat Yai around mid afternoon time.
We were dumped by some shops in the centre of town with all our bags and left to decipher how/where to go next - given that our hotel was near the airport about 10km away. A Thai man offered help in the form of a hailed minibus but this turned out to be an executive one which, after an obvious breakdown in communications, turned out to be 600 baht (around £14) and not the 60B initially indicated by the driver. Kathy knew something was up when she opened the sliding door to see plush leather look comfy seats! We quickly declined the transport offer and opted for a more affordable but a lot less comfortable tuk tuk. We clambered into the shabby old pick up with all our gear then off we went through town, with most other vehicles easily overtaking us, hanging on in the back (which was open so we got a good wash when the rain started!).
We got to the airport and found out the expected fare was 10 times what the driver initially indicated (seeing a pattern here!) so we had to hang around whilst the driver enlisted the help of an English speaking Thai student to get the rest of the money out of us. We went through airport security to get in the building and print off our tickets for flying to Burma (in 2 days time) then hung around waiting for the hotel to pick us up as they offered a free shuttle service.
And here we are! At the hotel, in the middle of nowhere - very quiet/rural area with just a couple of small shops (luckily one sells beer!), some cattle/dogs and a rubber tree plantation!! So far it has rained almost non stop for the last few days so although we have loved our time in Thailand, it is definitely time to move on.......... Myanmar/aka Burma here we come!!!!

Trang

We left the beautiful island of Koh Muk for the 9am longtail boat to the mainland. The resort gave us a lift down to the pier with Kathy and myself and all our luggage, another tourist with his luggage plus a small dog which jumped into the front basket which helped prevent the bike tipping over with all the weight. In the history of mankind I don't think a 100cc moped has ever been so over stressed as it was today and all credit to Mr Honda for his awesome engineering abilities to enable this to happen on this journey.
It was a sight to see with the dog up front, head catching the breeze, rotund Thai driver lady with arms like Hulk Hogan trying to direct the death trap, Malaysian man sat side saddle behind her on what was left of the saddle and Kathy and myself riding the sidecar like a couple of extras out of the latest Ben Hur movie desperately grabbing the luggage on every corner so it would not end up on some jungle embankment.
  The boat trip was straight forward enough and we were transferred to the waiting minibus with no mishaps and off into Trang. There we jumped into a waiting tuk tuk who whisked us to our hotel and we were settled in by 11.30am. The room was on the 5th floor which commanded great views of Trang but for the 3 nights we were there all we saw was rain streaming down the windows. The weather was appalling. It bucketed down for 60 hours non-stop. There was no let up. We went out to dinner and got drenched so decided to hanker down in the bunker and ride it out by catching up on loads of stuff we had been neglecting like sorting out travel details for our next destination Myanmar. Noodles were bulk purchased along with a good supply of Chang to sustain us through the next 2 days. But we did not count on the Internet being so poor. The weather must have affected it as it dropped out every couple of hours and went missing which hindered our efforts. I wish I could tell you more about Trang and how great it was but all we saw was the local supermarket, a restaurant which was poor called 1954 (which is the date that they last cooked a decent meal) and the bus station. For what we did see it was a quiet medium sized town with green leafy boulevards and had a nice appeal to it but there was nothing exciting to see so after 3 nights we caught the bus to Hat Yai our next destination. In fact Trang was such a non-event we only took one picture which turned out to be quite ironic.

This bag is a liar.

Koh Mook(Muk)

So we leave Koh Lanta but rather than going straight to the island via speedboat this time we thought we would mix it up a bit and go on a four islands tour and get dropped off on our last stop which was Koh Muk (Mook). It can be spelt both ways so we have been told. So we shopped around and got a good quote from a company next to our bungalow which seemed on the surface as a blinding deal. The taxi picked us up from the bungalow on time with all our luggage (which seems to be growing and getting heavier) and we meandered around the island picking up all and sundry until you could not get any more bodies on the taxi, luggage strapped to the roof and limbs hanging out of every opening trying to stay cool. We eventually ended up on the other side of the island in the old town which was charming and dumped off by the pier to board the boat. This is when the fun and games started! We were weaned off from all the other tourists and an air of confusion reigned supreme as a rough looking gang of Thais beckoned us over and told us to carry our luggage to the boat. "What boat?" we enquired as we had no idea what was going on. Not understanding English we managed to hijack their supplies motorcycle and bung our luggage on it as there was no way we were lugging these monster rucksacks down this pier that was so long it just melted into the horizon. Kathy jumped on top clinging on like a little monkey with the astonished looks from the Thais and the bike wheelied off down the pier while Daz had to walk. At the pier end we saw a few boats loaded with loads of European tourists but we were told to get on this big boat with an exclusive Thai patronage who were swilling bottles of beer and smoking tabs like they had shares in the tobacco company. Apart from the fact it was 9am we had our reservations about this and decided we had been sold a goose by the agent but would roll with it as sometimes that's all you can do.

All aboard - you white folk sit at the back and keep quiet please..........

  The boat was slow, slow, slow, but relaxing as the crew seeing that we were not part of the Thai contingent which by the looks of things had paid to charter the boat for a day trip for their car club (as they all had the same t-shirts on) ushered us onto the rear bulkhead and carved out our own area where we could spread out and segregate our luggage from the party animals who were crushed in the over-loaded boat on deck. We laughed as we always seem to get in these situations where we end up with the locals on some mad journey in some foreign soil totally out of place. But we consoled ourselves with the notion that we came to see Thailand and experience the culture so no point being on a boat full of compatriots where we would just go through the motions of another orchestrated tour menu. There was only one person on the whole boat who could speak a smattering of English who we called Catweasel due to his sporadic facial hair arrangement. He was our go between. A couple of hours later we arrived at our first stop to snorkel off this uninhabited vast limestone karst which no-one told us what is was named so we donned our snorkel gear and just jumped in the crystal clear warm waters. There were some fish about but no coral to speak of and nothing special to mention. After half an hour we progressed onto another island which was stunning, The beach was like baby powder and the water the purest aqua marine. The boat butted up to the beach and we all disembarked to have lunch on the beach which was tasty. There we had a break and lounged about watching all the Thais interacting with each other on the beach and  decided at this point we were actually really enjoying this experience and preferred it to a pre-fabricated agenda tour with one of the other tour agencies. It felt totally authentic.

Bungalow Bill was fixing his kettle which had mysteriously broken.

  Back on the boat we next arrived at the emerald cave which is entered from the open sea, so you jump off the boat, swim to the cave entrance which is an amazing emerald colour and you swim into it about 80 metres. It is pitch black and you have to have a torch to find your way along the narrow channel, then you spot a chink of light, swim towards it and emerge into what I can only describe as the most incredible vista I have ever seen which totally gobsmacked me to find it at the end of this  tunnel. It was like a scene from King Kong or The Lost World where you just emerged into another world of the Jurassic era or similar. A lagoon of the purest blue surrounded by a beautiful shallow ringed sandy beach, a jungle backdrop totally surrounded by sheer limestone cliffs so no one from the outside world could ever know it was there unless you swam through this cave. I wish we could have captured some photos but as our camera was not waterproof we could not and I am not sure how we would have captured an image that would justify it anyway.
  After swimming back to the boat we were informed that we would be dropped off on the rear beach of this island as it was part of Koh Muk. Unfortunately the captain was not as keen to ditch the boat on the beach again and made us disembark rather ungraciously in water that was up to our chest to carry our monster rucksacks to the beach trying not to get them wet. After a couple of journeys to and fro through the waves the rucksacks were dispatched on the beach with the help of Catweasel who took pity on us as Kathy's head was barely above the water line so she could not possibly have carried a 20kg rucksack to shore without drowning.

Southend was having a nice spell of weather for a change.

 On Koh Muk there are no cars or vans/trucks so we enlisted the help of a bored looking motorcycle driver who are used as taxis as they have like a side car thingy attached, loaded up our gear and headed to our bungalow at the Phusambig resort. The resort was really pretty and our bungalow basic but had a fridge,kettle, big fan, veranda and ensuite bathroom so we were not going to rough it. We found an ace restaurant close by and there was a shop at the resort entrance that kept the fridge stocked up with cold Changs every day. That was basically it! We did nothing for 6 days. Apart from we blew the kettle up so swapped it with another bungalow when no one was in it (they left the door open)and broke the electrical socket so bodged it up so the next tenants can deal with its sudden demise. No point owning up and being charged for it.
 Koh mook was everything we had been searching for. Jungle interior, no cars, no large resorts, muddy roads leading down to immaculate beaches with the cleanest water and whitest sand and hardly a soul about. It was paradise incorporated. We hung the hammocks up on the beach and the days drifted by as we soaked it up.

The butterflies were upset at Kathy's rude pointing so bit her finger off.

 We did have a couple of little adventures though. One day we hired a couple of mountain bikes and cycled through the jungle on this rough old track that was quite challenging even for Daz who does this type of thing all the time back home. On the map it did not look that far, but in reality was steep, jagged, humid and plagued by merciless mosquitoes. Kathy struggled with it as her bike was just a fraction too big for her so she had trouble touching the floor so ended up eating dirt and tearing a strip off of Daz for persuading her to embark on such a stupid excursion at our ages. We eventually made it to our destination of a secluded beach Ao Dung which was deserted so a spot of skinny dipping ensued as a reward for all our hard work.The beach again was amazing with the jungle sprawling out over the white sand reaching into the sea in places and the water warm as your bath water and clear to boot. Paradise mark 2. The journey back to the bungalow was not so enjoyable as we both got totally munched by the mozzies. Kathy especially. They seem to have a perpetual fondness for her blood.

Robinson Crusoe was glad we popped around for afternoon tea.

 Next day Hammock swinging was on the cards for Kathy on the beach but Daz had to get another glimpse of that Emerald cave again so rented a sea kayak and paddled around to the north of the island to find the cave again but the tide was too high to get into it. To kill time I paddled down the coast to another secluded beach that could only be reached by boat called Sabai beach. I beached the kayak on the sand and explored only to find disappointment at the amount of debris washed up from high tides. There was at least a 1000 flip flops along with numerous plastic bottles, toothbrushes, dollys, lighters, in fact anything plastic that floated was present. I wish I had the camera but Kathy forbid me from taking it on board due to the high possibility I was going to capsize and it getting ruined by getting wet. It would have made a depressing photo of modern life ruining natural beauty.
I then ventured back to the cave to find the tide had lowered and was able to paddle into the cave but half way in it was so dark I could not see anything and was being tossed onto the jagged rocky surfaces of the cave by the waves so had to admit defeat without a torch. But luckily as I exited the cave I saw a two person canoe who both had the same idea and had a torch. So I tucked in behind them and we went for it. In places you had to lie down on the kayak as the ceiling was so low to avoid a head bashing or face scrapping. The boat in front of me started to freak out due to the claustrophobic conditions but I was determined we could do it so I refused to let them turn around and pushed their canoe forward from behind until the light at the end of the tunnel was visible and we emerged into the daylight totally relieved to not have become stuck.
  Again no camera so I just soaked up the view and later paddled out on my own to let the other canoe take their chances and back to the beach to return the kayak. Overall Koh Mook was our version of paradise that we were looking for so were satisfied that our quest was fulfilled. Now we move on to our next destination on the mainland as the island hopping is over to the town of Trang.

Ko Lanta - Island Life

Well we were booked on a 10.30am speedboat to take us from Ao Nang to the island of Ko Lanta which was nearly a 3 hr trip. Our rucksacks were heavy (never get any lighter!) plus we decided to take some food supplies and a back up supply of booze in the form of Vodka decanted into a plastic water bottle (much lighter than glass and safer to carry). Luckily, neither of us got the bottle mixed up with the water or somebody would have been shouting 'man over board!'.

Stevie Wonder on the beach.

The boat trip was relaxing with plenty of other tourists on board who all scurried on to the upper deck to soak up the glaring hot sun.  We had beautiful views of the limestone karst islands around Railay/Krabi as we left the mainland. The boat's toilet was situated down near the engine room right at the back of the boat and the pile of luggage in the gangway made for interesting toilet trips as you had to clamber over it before the added hassle of negotiating 2 flights of stairs and all the tourist bodies! Anyway, we arrived at the pier at Lanta, broke from the large throng of tourists and haggled with a taxi pickup driver to take us to our accommodation in the area of Khlong Kong.
Sitting in the back of the pickup, just us and our bags, we watched as the scenery changed from the big shops and large resorts near Saladan pier to more backwards, rural and spread out structures with quite a laid back traveller vibe about it.

The magic carpet needed a service.

Our bungalow at Andaleaf Bungalows was great - a stilted affair with a large wooden seating area, good sized bed, flat screen TV (no English channels!) and a large bathroom. We had a large fridge which was only on when the key tag was in the slot which was a pain in the butt so keeping milk was out of the question and ice would only set overnight! Daz was quick to hang up his hammock and made sure it was high enough so little legs couldn't hijack it!!
We hired a bike from the owner and negotiated a discount too - he wanted to keep a passport as a deposit and we managed to fob him off with Daz's international driving permit instead proving Thais can't read English very well (some couldn't even speak it!).

It was difficult making any new friends on this beach.

   We spent the days whizzing about on the bike around the island, swinging in the hammock (Daz only as too high for me to get in.....grrrrr!) lazing on the beaches which were fabulous with white sand and warm seas, eating some amazing Thai curries (Massaman was our favourite) and generally just being really lazy and sinking into a smooth holiday like groove. The wanderlust in us was subdued somewhat as we let Thailand tease us with the its charms and transform us into a couple of 2 weeks in the sun summer holiday off work type of tourists.  We even had a couple of Dagenham chav's in the bungalow next to us effing and blinding away between their full moon parties and late risings. In other words we done nothing! The thing with Thailand it is just too easy. Everything you want or need is there to be had....just ask! This takes the traveller out of you but so what? Just go with the flow and enjoy. After the perils and exhaustion of India this is just what the doctor ordered . Usually we would bore you with tales of mishap and near misses but not on this chapter apart from one night we went to a night market on the other side of the island to buy Kathy her own hammock as Daz could not seem to prise himself out of his own one and on the way back on our scooter we got caught in an intense tropical storm in our t-shirts so bad that Daz could not see the road as there are no street lights to show the flooded sections. When we got back we were drenched through but glad not to be in a ditch somewhere as the roads are full of some quite serious pot holes. Anyway Kathy was chuffed about her hammock which was strung up in our porch (at a lower level) and our five days on Lanta came to a close. It wasn't the paradise island we were searching for as was too commercial and overloaded with tourists but easy going and agreeable. So our next destination is the island of Koh Muk which we hope will be more of a fantasy island for us.

Ao Nang

Leaving Koh Yao Noi was a bit confusing as it depended on your destination which determined which pier you left from. As there was a pier only half a mile down the road from the bungalow we decided this would be our best bet to get to the mainland and connect up with a bus to Ao Nang which is next door to a place called Railay which can only reached by boat as there are no roads and the limited accommodation there is well above our budget of a shilling and half a crown a night.

Boat trip to Railay - famed for it's rock climbing. We stayed on the ground.

 Getting on a speedboat was no issue but we were confused what to do about our Disney scooter that we had hired as no one had asked for it back and we had no idea who had actually rented it to us. I texted the owner of the bungalow who told us to leave it on the pier with the key in it and the helmets! So we did. I guess it would have to be a very dumb thief to steal such a conspicuous scooter on such a small island. Half an hour later we were at the pier on the mainland and disembarked to find it was in the middle of nowhere and there seemed to be no public transport to our destination. There were rumours of a bus to Krabi town where we could change and re-route but that would take forever. Also no one spoke English so we could not confirm there was going to be a bus or not and what time it would be arriving. So we sat there like a couple of lemons stewing in the afternoon heat wondering what we were going to do. This is surely the glamour of travelling which we had been searching for since leaving England? Half an hour later a pick up truck was dropping some cargo at the pier who also took passengers so I asked him to take us to Ao Nang and he said yes for a very reasonable price. This is the sort of luck you need when travelling and makes for a good adventure.

The sea came with its own traffic bollards.

   An hour later we were at the hotel after getting lost for a bit and were surprised the room was a lot better than we expected which don't happen much when booking ahead online. We quickly hired a bike as we were a little way out of town in a quieter part of Ao Nang which is a package tour haven being that the airport is only a few miles down the road. Downtown was a disaster with sun burnt chav's stumbling around after their mid-day bottles of Chang beer in the road, Burger king and maccy d's were full of course and every shop was a restaurant, massage parlour (happy ending sir?) or tour agent.

The entertainment was a special Black & White Minstrels performance by the local monkeys.

There was no soul or character to the place but they did have cheap and plentiful beer and spirits so that was its saving grace. We did the usual beach visits, most were dirty and unappealing from being overdeveloped but we found one just out of town which was an island at high tide but at low tide there was a sand bar that you could walk over to it and it had amazing views out to sea. After a while chilling on the beach all the town heathens started pouring over the sand bar from town and making the beach busy so we went back to the bike hoping the tide would turn quickly and the beach get cut off thus increasing the quality of the gene pool on the mainland.

This heathens liked the penis shaped rock.

 After a bit of evening shopping in Tesco's (I know! You just can't take the girl out of Ware and expect old habits to die off so quickly) stocking our fridge up on goodies we went back to watch our final instalment of the Soprano's series that Glen and Shell lent us on hard drive to find because of jumbling of the downloads we had already watched the last one previously. Anti-climax!!!
 Well with that done (it did take us six months to watch it all) we will be re-visiting Walter Wight and all his shenanigans again.

It's all about the beach said DiCaprio.

   Next day we took a boat to Railay and spent the day there admiring the awesome scenery and superb beaches. The backdrop to the beaches were breath taking as you can see from the photos. It was quite busy in patches as it is a very common day trip but there are multiple beaches to hang out on with boats pulling up on the beach to sell you anything from pizza to beer so you don't go without. If  there's a gap in the market you can be certain someone in Thailand will fill it when it comes to tourism. On one of the beaches it had a cave temple to some god of fertility or along those lines and from a casual glace looked a bit boring and we by passed it without much thought as there are temples everywhere so only the exceptional can grab your attention, but on the way back there seemed to be a lot of interest in it from non-Buddhist types so we went over to have a nose about and found the cave was jammed full of phallic pieces in all shapes and sizes, designs and colours it made your eyes bulge and your cheeks flush. The kids seemed to enjoy it though asking their respective parents what all the wooden shapes were! After a couple of days we were done with Ao Nang so next we are catching another expensive boat to Koh Lanta our next Island hop destination.

"Mummy what is that big wooden thing with the red top?"

Koh Yao Noi

After Phuket we wanted to go Island hopping around the Andaman sea and check out some of the amazing beaches Thailand is renown for and the impressive Karst formations that jut out of the sea making memorable vistas. Obvious choices would be the Phi Phi Islands as featured in DiCaprio's movie The Beach a few years ago featuring Maya bay as 'The beach'. But after asking around and listening in at other peoples conversations it seemed that every man and his dog was going there and 'The beach' was their target area with up to a 1000 people on the beach at one time and a hundred boats  moored in the bay as well every day. This did not really fit into our idealistic visions of remote sandy hedonistic hide-always that we were seeking and after checking out the reviews online branding the islands as one big non-stop party zone with thumping techno music every night keeping those who want to sleep awake we decided it was not going to be our scene. I mean, don't get us wrong as we love to party and get down with the kids now and again but when we are tired or had enough drinking we want to go home to bed and sleep, not be kept up until 2am every night with that pounding bass ringing in your ears. That is called getting old and I think we are getting very good at it now!

The bungalow was a disguised Asian sweat shop.

 After checking out some maps we decided on starting with a little known or visited island called Koh Yao Noi which is only a short 40 minute speedboat ride from Bang Rong Pier in the north of Phuket. We got the local bus to the pier from Phuket town along with all the locals who bundled their sacks of rice on and other market supplies they had acquired that morning and trundled very slowly to our destination. Half way there we had an accident when the bus we were travelling on which is like a long wheel drive pick-up collided with another car. The bus driver was a bit peeved off and jumped out to remonstrate with the car driver who got out the car and was clearly a 6ft muscular white man dressed as a woman in a very nice sheer all black evening cocktail dress and some very suspect make-up and heels. It was not what he (or I) was expecting and this seemed to quell his anger with his confusion into boarding back onto the bus, selecting the gear and getting going again. No money changed hands and no insurance details so I am not sure how that scenario pans out later.

Where is everybody.

   We arrived after an hour and the boat was about to leave so we paid our speedboat tickets and boarded. The journey was ace, as we sped past craggy sun kissed uninhabited islands and dramatic karst formations under the blazing sun and pure blue skies.  Once on the island we were herded up and sectioned into destinations by the taxi's and whisked off to our respective bungalows for a rip-off mafia style fee that we refused to pay for and gave the taxi driver less than he asked for but he did not seem too bothered as he had already ripped off all the other passengers previously and we were last to depart. Even then he hung about and even sorted us out a motorbike to hire for a knock down rate. The only catch though was it was a Disney themed scooter with girly decals all over it and we were given 2 helmets of which one was Nemo and one was some princess thingy in pink. I opted for Nemo as I don't do pink very well and Kathy took the pink one so I branded her Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds which she did not find amusing. Every time we rocked up at a shop or restaurant every body took a double take at our childish ride and our natty headgear. (and I am sure they were giggling at us in German at one place, HMMMM, GGRRRRR!)

Kathy goes off in search of the toilet block.

 The Island is a fair size of about 15km by 10km and is very sparsely populated with a very low key tourist infrastructure. This suited us fine as the 1st beach we visited was beautiful and there was no one else there except a cat who looked very relieved to see us especially when I fished a dead squid out of the sea and fed it to him. Best mates forever. We spent a few hours playing with the cat, beach combing, swimming and snoozing on the sand until another couple showed up,  who having a mile of sand to choose where to set up base, decided it would be a great idea to plonk themselves right next to us!  Gone was our castaway fantasy so we packed up and hit the road again where after a short drive through the jungle found another beach with a disused beach bar and some beach swings so we chilled out here for a while exploring the spooky remains of the derelict beach bar and wondering what had happened as it was a long way from civilisation. It even has a Thai boxing ring on the beach set up. Back to the bungalow later which on paper looked fabulous when booked but in reality was surrounded on 3 sides by building sites and behind it was a Mosque which helpfully blasted out their call to prayers at an ear splitting volume 4am every morning. All day was the constant noise of cement lorries, grinding, sawing and at night the neighbour honking up whatever was blocking the back of his throat and propelling it very loudly off his balcony. You could not use the bungalow in the day as it was too hot to stand and even on the veranda there was no breeze as it was set in the jungle so the trees protected it. Shame, as it would have been great otherwise. Well maybe not, as on day 2 the water from the tap started spouting mud out of it, and when we complained to the owner we found out just how limited their English was and basically she told us tough you have to wait until it clears on its own (or something along those lines).

Look a massive empty beach so why don't you sit next to us Mr loud Yank.

  Beer was also hard to acquire as it is a very Muslim Island (hence the Mosque) so we had to travel into town which was about 8km away to pick up a couple of Chang's to pass the very dull evenings as their was nothing going on what so ever but this did not bother us too much and gave me a chance to get stuck into a book and for us to start Spanish lessons on an App which we had downloaded earlier that would help us later on in the Philippines and Central America. Next day was much the same , swinging on the hammock, chilling on a different beach, again we had it all to ourselves until another couple showed up and with 1.5 miles of perfect sand to choose from.......yep you guessed it ......planted themselves next to us. What is wrong with  these people. Can you not bare to be alone and soak up the solitude of it all. Or it could be that Kathy and myself have such magnetic personalities that they were just drawn to us by some sort of mystic force. We will never know as we packed up and headed back to base via a small waterfall which was bland.

The oldest swingers in town.

 Overall Koh Yao Noi was very peaceful and scenic and a great little get away from it all with limited facilities but enough to keep you rolling along. Laid back would be an understatement. It was quite expensive though as everything has to be bought in by boat from the mainland including the beer. Most of the island is uninhabited as well and has a very limited access by road and a lot of areas can not be reached at all. Next we catch another speedboat back to the mainland to a place called Ao Nang to allow us access to Railay which is supposed to have the most impressive karst scenery in all of Thailand. 

Phuket

After the mayhem that was Monkey hill the day before we took to the mean streets of old Phuket Town. And it surprised us! It was clean, civilised, gentrified and beautiful. Phuket gets a lot of bad press in the news back in the U.K. but it is a massive island and only certain parts contain the contaminated parts of society who think it's a good idea to come to another country an leave their brains in the departure hall at the airport. The hotel was an old converted Portuguese mansion on the back streets off the main tourist zone so we were bang in the middle of the action. It was quiet and we had the place to ourselves for the 5 nights we stayed. All around us the streets had been restored to those Portuguese heritage days painted brightly in pastel colours with their contrasting shutters and 2 fold doors. It was a delight to breeze about checking out the colourful streets. We tried to exchange our old Lonely Planet guide books in a 2nd hand bookshop as the books cost us a fortune and we needed a book on Thailand. It's weird how time changes as when we travelled 12 years ago we made many a shrewd deal buying/selling/swapping guide books as we zig-zagged across Asia but now the world has changed and so has the face of travel in that no one deals in guide books anymore. On the shelves was a motley collection of 10 year old books which were priced not far off the cost of the new editions and the owners did not want to give us any value to our latest editions of our £30 guide books. So the books were dumped at the hotel for other travellers to benefit from and we took technology with gusto and subscribed to Kindle who 'loan' us the guide books (up to 10 at once) for a fee of only £7.99 a month. So no more carrying around heavy books in our luggage anymore and no more overpaying for local guidebooks or trying to re-sell them afterwards. We do prefer to have a book as it is easier to reference and it does not need charging everyday but the convenience outweighed this.

 That evening we jumped on the bad motor scooter and travelled to the weekend market along with the hundreds of other tourists all  thronged in the various tourist trap stalls. The market is massive and it's easy to get lost in it which we did so consoled ourselves by finding a stall selling jacket potatoes which were a god send after eating rice and noodles for the last 6 months.  Also we love the steamed sweetcorn which is basically the whole cob of sweetcorn steamed until soft and it tasted so good it did not need butter or salt. It's now one of our new favourite foods. I have been having a bit of bad luck with my watches on this trip as having 2 expire on us, with the last one only lasting 2 weeks before it got destroyed. We found a stall selling watches and purchased a natty number which stopped after only 2 hours! We took it back the next night and the stall holder fitted a new battery which seemed to fix it but after another 12 hours stopped again so I went to return it but being a Monday the weekend market was gone and I was lumbered with a watch that was stuck in time so that was watch number 3 in the bin.

We passed on this lovely bucket of offal and plumped for the jacket potato instead.

  Next day we ventured out to the Gibbon rehabilitation center, which re-homes Gibbons who have been rescued from locals who keep them as pets which is illegal. They also re-house injured Gibbons who would not survive in the wild. Ultimately the Gibbons are rehabilitated and returned to a protected part of the forest to resume life in the wild. When we arrived at the centre we were asked to pay a 200 baht entrance fee each as the centre was in a national park but we found out later the Gibbon centre would not receive any of the money from this which was going to be our donation money towards the project. The politics of it stank and after our visit we were left with mixed feelings about the center as we are not sure if these places are actually doing any good and it is just a plaster to be stuck over a massive problem where there is no solution. The gibbons were kept in small cages and could be kept in there for years so what is the difference between this and a zoo? We contributed a donation to help with the cause but deep down we know it was never going to save these beautiful monkeys from extinction. As our entrance fee got us into the national park we took a walk into the jungle and ventured upon a waterfall where some Thai's were swimming but it was disappointing so left to go back to the bike where I found out I had lost the bike key!

Tarzan was enjoying a jungle shower at our arrival.

 We stood there in panic wondering what we going to do when a man approached us and told me I had left the key in the bike so he had taken it out for safe keeping. How lucky was that as the bike could easily been stolen. We then explored the other side of the island to an area called Patong which was a lot seedier and too be honest depressing as it was over-run with t-shirtless super fat out of shaped Europeans and Russians trawling the streets looking for booze, sex bars and poor food choices. Not to be too judgemental we endeavoured to join in by stopping at a bar for bikers called Nicky's which was kitted out like some Route 66 wanna be joint and had an afternoon beer. After we witnessed 2 drunk Aussies trying to molest/kiss the barmaid who was clearly not amused by their actions we decided it was not our scene and hit the road again.

This bike was arrested for drink driving and relieved of its engine.

  That night we hit a night market just around the corner from the hotel and had some good street food from the stalls which was excellent and super cheap. They also had the locals out on the street singing their karaoke tunes vastly over-amped and it sounded appalling, especially at that volume. A pack of howling wolves would have been more in tune than them lot.

The food stalls were a good diversion from the terrible Karaoke.

  Next day after a slow start I got cabin fever and went to visit the 'Big Buddha' on the highest point in Phuket. It was a really nice ride up there and the air was a lot cooler in the afternoon heat. At the top I was greeted by a massive white Buddha which was very impressive and the views equally so. I dossed about checking out Buddha's footprint?? and Buddha's seat which is basically a bum print of Buddha where he sat down. Bizarre! Religion is so weird. Next we are off Island hopping so are going to catch a boat in the morning and are off to a little known or visited island called Koh Yai Noi.

Buddha looked down on the fickle tourists with disdain.

  

Welcome To Thailand

Well the month in India was over and to be honest we were glad to be leaving.  The constant hassle of the people, the dirt and choking polluted air (Delhi has been on the news recently about it's dangerous levels of air pollution) was all too much for us (especially Kathy who spent the last week or so staying in the room due to a respiratory issue).
Apart from the shocking early start, all went smoothly getting to Delhi airport.  We had breakfast courtesy of McDonalds (better than curry!) followed by a mad dash around the duty free shop to offload our remaining rupees (cleverly turned into a big bottle of Vodka!). We boarded the jumbo Singapore Airlines plane and settled down for the 5 hr flight to Singapore (we got fed, watered and Kathy even managed to catch up on S7 of Game Of Thrones). From Singapore it was a short delay of 1 hr before boarding another flight with Silk Air (and we got fed again!) to Phuket. We landed just before 8pm then we had a frantic runaround to find the bus into town as the last one was 8.30pm.
We were the only tourists on the bus (Government run) so we got a lot of strange looks which we returned as we were convinced a woman near the front was a lady boy (big feet/hands, no boobs and a masculine face with lots of badly applied make up). We were told where to get off for our guesthouse in Old Phuket Town and luckily it was just a short walk around the corner.  Well without boring anybody, it was a slow painful process getting checked in due to the dozy Thai woman on reception and a gang of young Brit travellers who decided to rock up shortly after us for last minute rooms.  Kathy was doing her best to stay calm but it was difficult when the woman wasn't it any hurry and the gang of kids didn't want to wait their turn. Eventually we were shown to our room - a twin bed job downstairs which was ok given how late it was but we didn't stay after the 1st night as it reminded us of a prison cell (no windows!) and managed to blag an upgrade to a nice bright balcony room upstairs for the same price.
We spent most of the first day in search of a suitable mobile sim card and getting a few other supplies and we found a local eatery which knocked up a mean (& spicy!) vegetarian Pad Thai for just 80p each.

Yum, tasty street food - only 80p a plate so money left for a Chang beer or 2/3!

As getting around was essential, the next day we hired a bike and off we roared to explore the island.
We discovered Tesco is alive and well in Thailand - well Lotus Tesco where we explored the aisles looking for treats and found the booze aisle which had bottles of 'Black Cock' and 'Red Cock' on display (thoughts of us asking each other 'would you like some black cock tonight darling?' instead of our usual 'Vodka dear?' made us chuckle like school kids whilst Thai people stared at us wondering what the joke was). We settled for some cheap 'Uncle Tom' gin which we would recommend is avoided unless you like gin that makes your throat rasp! Yes, it was rough.

Ooh, which one shall I choose? 

We went on to check out Monkey Hill which on first ascent wasn't a place reflective of it's name, until we rode further up the road to be confronted with an army of macaques. Well, we had a front basket on the moped filled with goodies from Tesco and these guys are like food grabbing ninjas so we hit the throttle to carry on up the road where we could safely stash said food under the seat before returning to see the cute primates in all their glory. Well maybe not all cute - the males were big, muscular, large testicle endowed scary beasts then followed various sizing of the other family members right down to the tiniest scrawniest babies. All were after two things - food and mischief! We watched on as tourists lined up with their stall bought bananas expecting well mannered primates only to find out these monkeys have no manners - hanging off their clothes, legs and arms until the goodies were given up by the frightened humans overpowered by an animal who didn't even reach their knee level. The monkeys jumped all over the place - even the parked up mopeds were not safe as they climbed on to handlebars, seats and baskets - pulling at trims, looking into the mirrors and biting the seat covering.  When one medium sized one decided to sink his fangs into our bike seat we decided it was time to go before the bike was dismantled by these furry little hooligans.

'You really should invest in a decent pair of knickers dear'

'I really like this red one dear - what do you think? Well the seat is nice and tasty'

"News headlines" -Stupid Russian woman gets pants pulled down by monkey (glad she had pants on!)

We rode on to another place to see a temple with a reclining Buddha but on arrival we found the main building was locked so we could only get a glimpse of the statue through the door blinds.  We instead amused ourselves saying a prayer to the shrine outside, taking in the stunning views of the surrounding countryside and shore line.  Daz found some thrown away gold leaf used to decorate the buddha statue and decided to decorate me instead which might have took some explaining had one of the buddhist monks stopped us on the way out!
We were glad to have hired the moped as otherwise it would have been very restrictive getting around and we probably wouldn't have got to see the places we did.

Udaipur

As we said  in our last blog,we split the journey up from Jaisalmer to Udaipur in 2 stages as we are too old and too cynical to do a 14 hour sleeper bus in one hit as these buses can be a nightmare in that you don't get any sleep unless you have a big bottle of Diazepam as your best friend or you can get into a fight with one of the locals and if you are lucky they will knock you out and put you to bed. We took the train to Jodhpur which was a 6 hour sleeper affair which was very pleasant for £8 each and then over-nighted at a lovely place which was part of a NGO operation to help outcast women get back on their feet. We then upgraded our bus option to a company called Apex Chaudry who supplied a new luxury A/C bus to take us to Udaipur the following morning.
   Next morning the owner of the hotel offered to take us to the bus station for free but this involved going into the lobby and waking up one of the hotel man servants who slept on the floor and asking them to drive us to our pick up point. So I volunteered to do this deed at 5.30am. I descended into the void of the pitch black lobby and found a body on the floor and started shaking him but he did not stir. So I gave him a gentle slap on the face but still no reaction. It was too dark to find anyone else so I tried again with an over zealous slap around the chops which produced the required results making the boy open his eyes and jump up startled like he had been assaulted in the street, with wide eyes, staring at this balding white man who he had never seen before staring back at him after having slapped him around the chops. To compound the problem he did not speak English and doing hand gestures in the dark to convey my needs was not going well. A few 'broom broom' noises followed and he understood  the word bus and we were good to go. When Kathy and I boarded the minibus with him to go to the bus station I was unsure if I had slapped him hard enough as his driving was so horrendous that he was either still asleep or clearly he had never driven before.

" I'm gonna jump unless you tell me name mister"

   The 5 hour bus journey started out fairly well, and we even had a chai tea and toilet break halfway. But after that, as with most Indian bus journeys the bodies starting piling in by sitting in the aisle and the stereo was cranked up with the standard wailing falsetto singing and the twanging background accompaniment which at first is quite likable but after track 14 (which was identical to track 1-13) it soon starts to grate the nerves which when added to the Lewis Hamilton's driving schools latest student who is navigating the bus to Udaipur (who every 5 minutes would slide the side window open, take a raspy snort, and propel a loaded greeney from the back of his throat into the oncoming traffic) you become a bit nauseous. Well what do you expect for £6 each!
  After 5 hours we arrived in the blistering mid-day heat of Udaipur and ran the usual gauntlet of rip-off rickshaw drivers who we dispatched with remarkable ease and found a pensioner with minimal teeth to take us to our hotel for an agreeable fee. The hotel was stunning, over looking the palace from the balcony but our room as beautiful as it was presented  was too noisy being next to the road so we negotiated an upgrade for a discounted price at the back of the hotel and we settled in. We went out later for unremarkable food in a local restaurant  that was apart from the fact we were the only customers in there, was most quirky. After we had ordered and drinks  had been presented, the owner came over to our table and asked us to move. We were a little perplexed as there were no other people present and we liked where we were based. We inquired why we had to move as we were happy next to the fan and comfortable. He explained to us that he needed our table to stand upon so he could carry out his Pooja ( a type of blessing/prayer) to the small Ganesh temple which he had built in a small alcove in the ceiling above our table. So not wanting to stand in the way of religion, we two atheist upped sticks and sat at an adjoining table while he stood on the table with his dirty, smelly bare feet and lit joss sticks and mumbled/hummed a few glad tidings to the God Ganesh while we watched on while waiting for our dinner. The food arrived, he finished off, got down, did not wipe the table (lucky escape there!) and life continued as normal. Only in India!!!!!!

The locals like to dress up for the disco on a Saturday night.

   After a night time stroll around the city lakeside and ghats, we scored some fresh popcorn from a roadside vendor and retired back to the room. Next day Kathy's nose issue flared up due to the constant presence of excessive pollution in the streets outside so we decided it was not wise for her to pursue sight seeing today and rest. That gave me artistic licence to explore Udaipur on my own, so after I had attended to the patient with a pharmacy run and returning with most of Glaxo, I hit the mean streets. I happily ambled around, crossing the lake and taking some snaps, looking up small alleys, talking to over helpful Indians, telling 462 Indians what my name was and what country I was from, then bagging some masala dosa's and returning for lunch with the patient. After lunch I found a beer shop, purchased a few cold ones and headed up to a sunset view point over the lake near to the magical musical fountain for some good views. Monkeys were everywhere keeping me entertained as I sat there waiting for the sun to set along with the other 678 Indians who asked me what my name was and what country I was from. Saying I was England was not getting a very favourable response so I changed my name to what ever I found amusing and told everybody I was from Iceland which seemed to get a far better nod of approval.

Some of the locals were non too friendly.

 Kathy was still not too good next day again and was ordered to stay in, so I went up to the palace and had a mooch around taking in all the sights which were above average to be fair but crowded.  I went about handing over my money by being the good tourist I was, whenever I wanted to enter anywhere with a door or gate. After lunch I took a rickshaw to the other larger lake called Fateh Sagar where I took a boat tour of the lake which had a nice central park like island at the cost of  only £1 which was nice apart from I was the only foreigner on the boat and the 27 Indians asking me what my name was and where I was from.
 I then disembarked and walked up a nice view point opposite the lake which had a lot of war stuff going on and a museum about past Indian war triumphs. The views were impressive so I stuck around people watching and admiring the setting sun while attending to the 322 Indians who found out my name was Tarquin and I was from Outer Mongolia.

It was nice to see the Indians keeping the memory of Freddy Mercury alive.

 Next day Kathy had made no improvement so it was another run to the pharmacy to boost Glaxo's profits. This time the owner invited me in and we had a chinwag about stuff as clearly he was intrigued about my bulk buying of antibiotics which ended with him finding out my name was Cuthbert and I was from Sierra Leone. After lunch with Kathy, I took the cable car up the side of a mountain to a shabby Hindu temple where people were dressing up and taking silly snaps of each other which I got roped into and put one of the silly snaps on Facebook of me dressed as a local. Best bit was I got mistaken for an Indian at the ticket counter and paid local prices so it was worth keeping the tan topped up and wearing 80's styled sunglasses. I also went to see the magical music fountain which was a (in their words)  light and sound extravaganza . After paying my park entry fee I later found out in great Indian style that it wasn't working so walked around the park, sat and watched monkeys play fighting on the lawn, watched numerous teenage couples consuming each other in the bushes and telling 47 Indian enquirers my name was Jesus and I was from Nazareth.

We had to cancel our first hotel due to flooding issues.

  Next day we did not fancy the 14 hour train journey back to Delhi so booked a flight from Udaipur airport back which was only 1.5hrs. It also turned out the same price as a train so it seemed we missed a trick there with our travel planning. Back in Delhi we booked an overnight transit hotel which was crap where they tried to overcharge us, the room was a Bates Hotel special, there was a particularly smarmy guy on reception and it was in an area which could only be described as a populated bombsite.It reminded us just how awful Delhi actually was. The pollution was so thick it swilled around us like a thick choking soup as we walked down the road for dinner. Next morning we ordered a taxi for 6.15am on our OLA app on the phone to get us the short distance to the airport which remarkably did turn up and charged us 1/3 the fare the hotel quoted us. As you can not take rupees out of India we off loaded the rest of our money in the airport with a slap up breakfast and a raid on the duty free shop to load up on Smirnoff for the next destination Phuket, Thailand.  Bit disappointed on my last day though as the taxi driver only asked me where I was from and never asked my name so he never found out he had been carrying Phatkok from Narnia.

All these passengers on this boat knew me as Rodney from Peckham.